Gordon: A Man Measured by Scoville Units

Jack Simpson

Head of Marketing and Communications

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If you have come in contact with Web Applications in any way, you will probably have heard of Gordon. Gordon and his buddy Lee started this company back in 2000. They were left on their own and raised on the milk of a She Wolf until ultimately creating the greatest Empire Oldham has even seen (minus the discord).

In reality, Gordon and Lee worked for a software house and decided that life would perhaps be sunnier without a boss, and started their own company. The original premises (aka, the cupboard under the stairs) are not far from here, and it all began with two green cups and a Donald Duck bin. Gordon still holds on to his priceless cups as a reminder of things past. Fast forward to today and Gordon does a bit of everything and spends a lot of time on Mercury (the product, not the planet).
If you’ve ever met Gordon, you’d know he was a bit funny. You could probably tell just by looking at him…which is to say he’s often spotted wearing a really goofy hat. I call it a hat; it has many functions, hat, balaclava, scarf, ninja suit, just to name a few. How else would you know he is a bit funny? By the smell in his office…by that I mean he has some plants growing. What kind of plants? Chilli plants. Yes, Gordon has a very great love of chillies. He actively tries to export this obsession to induce a chilli-love epidemic. There are chilli-eating contests to decide who can eat the hottest chilli, then there are endurance contests to decide who can eat the most hot chillies – a current favourite for this test is the Naga chilli. It’s Gordon’s own personal crusade and he is very proud of Allan, who is proving an excellent protégé. Gordon’s love of chillies really took off when they saved his life. Swine flu knocked the poor man to his knees, a move which distracted the Grim Reaper and enabled Gordon to secretly reach for his extra stash of fresh chillies which he always carried with him. With the agility of a ninja assassin he split the chilli open and rubbed the juice in the Grim Reapers eyes, securing his timely escape. It sounds very confused but I’m told it all happened quite quickly.Stoofer

Let me tell you something about Gordon’s sense of humour. He likes Harry Hill. Not only does he like Harry Hill, he owns a Stoofer puppet. Not only does he own a Stoofer puppet, he has a cat (a living cat) called Stoofer. When Gordon says he was a big Harry Hill fan before he got famous, I believe him. If Harry Hill’s not weird enough, he’s a vegetarian that doesn’t like vegetables, especially sprouts. It boggles the mind.

Lastly in the tale of the life of a man with no taste buds comes his love of cars. At the moment he drives a Fiesta which he has affectionately named Moochi. His favourite car is a Ferrari Daytona, I have to stop and wonder a minute what kind of a nickname one of those would get. Gordon is going to the 30 to 150 race with Allan. Unfortunately, the Fiesta isn’t quite up to that kind of racing, so Gordon will be sitting shotgun in Allan’s car. I’m not convinced Allan knows that yet.

So there you have it, a sketch of a man instrumental in the creation of Web Applications. At the end of the day, if I had to describe him in a word, would I pick Quixotic? Paradoxical? A brief sweep of the office cemented my determination that Gordon is not a man to be shackled with a terse description, for no single word could do him justice.