As Network Engineer Allan has a unique role within Web Applications. He works as a support for the internal network of Web Applications and provides external support for clients’ systems. Whilst other Engineers in the services department provide support for products like Tr@veller and Acuweb, Allan supports things like Windows 7 and OCS. He also considers SQL ‘voodoo magic’; whether that’s meant as a compliment or disparagement I am not sure. Allan fixes anything in the office that breaks and spends his days installing software, checking back-ups, looking for updates, and shovelling snow. Allan has also been recognised as having spent more time than the rest of the office combined watching progress bars for updates.

As so often happens with these profiles, all the really interesting stories about Allan emerge from other people. Allan himself conceded that he has been a reserve for the Territorial Army for six or seven years and plays the most terrifying PC game I’ve ever seen called Left 4 Dead 2 (a rookie mistake would be to look for it on Google Images) but that was the extent of it. So I turned to Allan’s colleagues for anecdotes; they poured in like rain from the heavens.

There are four things that Allan is passionate about: Coke (the drink), Cookies, his car and Zombies. Apparently, Allan is completely prepared for the Zombie invasion and has an intricate plan for how to survive in Oldham once the attack/takeover begins. All I can say is that it would involve tricking the Zombies into delivering him food from Tesco in exchange for club card points and an unassailable safe haven. Then again Allan might be able to escape the Zombies by driving away in his heavily modified Mitsubishi Evolution. It’s an imported estate car that Allan is very proud of, at one point the snow was so deep in Web Applications’ parking lot one morning that Allan was the only employee who was able to manage to conquer the elements and successfully get his car into (and out of) the lot. Gordon and Allan will be taking their respective automobiles to a 30 to 150 show soon, a race to see who can accelerate from 30mph to 150mph the quickest. I can’t remember ever having a car that had 150 on the speedometer. Another perk for the Evo is that its space allows Allan to fit his two gorgeous Siberian huskies in the back.

Allan is a cookie kind of guy, deftly polishing off a pack of cookies each day. His cookie fixation is nothing compared to his relationship with the Coca Cola Company. I’m told that previous to my arrival it was full sugar coke that Allan massacred each day but now Coke Zero has become the new obsession.

You would think that between the coke and the cookies Allan would be a soft sort, but it’s all smoke and mirrors I’m afraid. Allan has been trained in the art of eating chillies, he eats red peppers raw, and he has the hardest knuckles in the office, which is equitable to the entire world. Allan would be a veritable hard man if only he didn’t have an inexplicable fear of herrings. Or so I’m told.